Yes, the title is called Black Girl Code.
You may know something about these codes circulating on the internet; maybe you have seen them from a YouTuber online. Black women have witnessed so much in the black community and the world at large, and have come together to genuinely form a sisterhood… a sisterhood that has been targeted for a long time. However, we are coming together, and we are coming together to make significant change.
The elephant in the room…
As much as I want this article to be light-hearted and fun, I need to address the “elephant in the room,” which is the word “black” in Black Girl Code. Although this blog is for black women, I would like to specifically address women and men of other race and ethnicities that happen to come across this post. (If you wish to see just the Black Girl Codes, please skip down to the list below.)
I want to first say that “all women matter.”
Yes, all women matter.
I’m a Christ-follower.
In my Christian upbringing, I was taught that because we are all created by God, we all matter and have value — equally. My Christian or Christ-following discipleship has encouraged me to see everyone the same and to, at the very least, give everyone a chance to be the best versions of themselves. The Good Book says to love, as best we can, through Christ. This is reinforced through God’s word. In Acts 10:34-35 (NKJV) Apostle Peter says,
“…I now realize how true it is that God does not show favoritism but accepts from every nation the one who fears him and does what is right.”
Not favorites, but prejudice
If God does not play favorites, why should I? God loves us all and we all have value. Don’t we learn this in the church and in grade school? And it’s the truth. God does not play favorites but gives justice and judgement in His own time in His own way.
However, in my time of living I have learned something. And I have learned it time and time again. While I give this “God” love out to others, I have found that I do not readily receive this love back. Now, we do not give to get, and we do not love just to get love back; however, I find that more often than not, I receive back words of discouragement and fear and actions from others that show me that my values are not held by many others (yes, even by other professing Christians).
The truth
Sometimes these words and actions are direct, other times they are indirect. I believe these words and actions are held by people, specifically who do not look like me, intentionally (consciously) and unintentionally (subconsciously). These harmful words and actions are directed toward me because of my skin color and has increased in the last few years.
The church and racism
And look, I am not naïve – although, I tend to try to see the best in everyone. My young adult life, my college experience, and my life today has taught me a lot concerning race relations. Although I am a Christian, my experience as a black woman is nuanced and cannot be ignored. The God I serve is a loving God, but He is also a God of justice. I think some Christians forget that, and although we are to love, we are not to just shove things under the rug as unimportant because it affects some people and not others.
I grew up in a predominately white church – perhaps 90-95% white. The church was in a nearby town that bussed in kids from my neighborhood. (It wasn’t the hood, just nearby.) Believe it or not when we were bussed in, we came in through the back of the church and had our own services in the back of the building. (Yes, I’m a millennial. This happened not so long ago.)
Separate, but equal?
Although, we had teen church at the predominately white church, there were no white teens in our classes – not one. One Sunday a month, they (the pastors) gave our black Sunday school teachers a break and allowed us to come into the sanctuary.
When we came in the sanctuary, we were escorted to the back corner of the sanctuary where we all sat together. All the white kids were with their families every Sunday, in the sanctuary. The funny thing about this was that I didn’t even realize this until I got older and started to reflect on my time there.
The subconscious narrative
Because our black Sunday school teachers were great, we didn’t notice. But there in that church was an ingrained “subconscious” narrative that “these kids are from another town and need to be away from us and our kids —in the name of Jesus.”
Although they were trying to do right, they were wrong. This frame of mind held by many white people follows black people into adulthood and produces certain negative experiences for us — experiences that affect our self-worth and confidence.
Just so we’re clear…
The purpose of this article (and this whole entire blog for that matter) is not to be divisive or to ignore the issues that face women as a collective. The purpose of this blog is to ultimately be INCLUSIVE, and include black women, who have often been ignored and disrespected, in the narrative of love and self-worth.
According to statistics, 80% of black people consider themselves Christians, and although many black women may know the song, “Yes, Jesus loves me…” the world seems to shout the opposite. I’m one of the few voices shouting otherwise, letting black women know they are loved and valued. (And let’s face it, many churches are not preaching the full word of God. So, though many go to church, it doesn’t mean they are taught to seek God or really know about Jesus! Further, church attendance is declining in the millennial generation.)
Black communities are suffering and have been since forever
Let’s be honest, many issues facing the black community stem from a lack of self-worth and historic miseducation! From unwanted pregnancies to fatherlessness, to colorism to situation-ships to single motherhood (baby-mama-ism), the black community has its full of dysfunction. As we start to realize and recognize how the one true God values us, we can find value in ourselves and make better decisions.
Black skin has been made a target
While the list of Black Girl Codes may seem fun to some and enlightening to others, most of the girl codes listed are rooted in the black community from shared experiences and how we view ourselves, especially our skin color. Self-hate has been ingrained in our community, but it didn’t just appear out of thin air! In fact, black and women of color on every continent are experiencing prejudice and/or substandard levels of care.
It’s no shock or surprise that color plays a role in many important decisions, such as: hiring (and firing), healthcare, who gets to live in certain residential areas, bank approvals, and so on. Black people have been considered an underclass.
Many crimes against us
There is no doubting slavery that counted black people 3/5 “personal property” compared to whites, or Jim Crow laws that told us that we were less than, or the “school to prison pipeline” that targets young black Americans, or the crack epidemic that targeted our communities, or the welfare system that seems to purposely render the black woman as ‘independent’, to lead in water pipes that have negatively affected minority communities or vaccines that have been known to disproportionately harm black babies.
We are constantly told white is better than black, by those outside and inside our community
There are many charges that could be made against the collective ruling powers and no one could deny it. Black Lives Matter was started under a black president, only to remind us of how far we need to go in this country. In other countries, black and darker skin is seen as less than beautiful. Just study India’s caste system or the cultural and standard beliefs in Asian countries and Spanish speaking countries.
In many Spanish speaking countries, darker complexion is looked down upon, and those who wish to marry and have children are taught to “better the race” by choosing a mate of a lighter, or European background.
Downcast but not destroyed
The overwhelming narrative – that black or dark brown skin is cursed and that “white is right” – has plagued the whole world. It’s no secret that “God-fearing” men have in times past used the holy scripture to justify the mistreatment of black people.
In one way or another, whether spiritually, emotionally, mentally or financially — in every sphere of influence — black people have been ridiculed and left behind. If it were not for black people fighting this ongoing narrative, we would not have the progress we have today. It’s only by God’s grace that black people in the USA are still alive today.
Black people and people of color
I say all of this to point to the fact that black women face different struggles than other women living in the USA. Yes, other women of color face issues, but I can only speak to what I’ve been through and what I see every day, and how even black people are looked down upon by other “people of color”. It seems even in the space of “people of color” blacks are still dead last. Black struggles are used in these grassroots efforts to promote equality, but in the end the solutions always seem to center around other “people of color” or other demographics and they make room for everyone else to benefit at the expense of American descendants of slavery.
So, when I specifically call out black people, it’s not an accident… and I’m not apologizing for it.
Now to the list…
Okay!
I thank Taylor Miree and I am Eloho (popular YouTubers) for inspiring this list of girl codes for black women. I combed through comment sections and videos to find these Black Girl Codes that we have made for ourselves, and I have included some of my own. Share your comments below of what you might include. Ladies, let’s change the narrative, and let’s start with this fun list!
God bless! <3
70 Black Girls Codes
- No wearing your bonnet outside the house. It’s just not a good look sis.
- No downplaying colorism that affects dark skin girls all around the world.
- If another woman’s hair looks nice, just say so. No asking if it is real or not. If she brought it, it hers!
- Accept other black women for who they are — no one black girl is the same! Whether quiet, LOUD, nerdy, preppy, thick, skinny, athletic, intelligent, ignorant… Yes I said it. No pre-conceived notions here.
- Not every black girl has a huge butt. Just saying :/
- No fighting over boys or men who don’t care about you! (If you’re chasing him, he doesn’t care about you.)
- No shaming girls who do not lay their edges! It’s not everybody’s thing!
- No shaming black girls who are not into “black people things” like hiking, art, KPOP or anime!
- Stick to lifting other black women up and not tearing them down!
- There should be no problem helping your friends, no jealousy amongst friends! If you have a skill that can help your sis (like makeup or organization) give your girl some tips!
- No downplaying someone else’s success. Celebrate!
- We shouldn’t date colorist or “texturist”. Self-hate is a thing!
- A black girl who does not speak AAVE (black talk) is just as much black as anyone else!
- Don’t shame black women who are open to or currently dating outside their race! Black love forever boo! …However not all black women can have that nowadays. Just facts! Don’t shame women who could not find black love. A man of integrity and character is the goal, no matter the race!
- Men and celebrities (and anyone) of other races don’t get a pass for saying the “n” word just because they are cute or because you know them.
- Carry pepper spray or a something to protect yourself when you are out alone.
- No getting angry with other black women for no reason!!!
- Just because another black girl is pretty doesn’t mean you should automatically dislike her.
- If your man has cheated on you assume the other girl didn’t know. You are in a relationship with your man, not the other woman. He’s the one you should deal with.
- If a woman is childless or not married by a certain time, it is not your business to pressure her or shame her!
- Nappy should not be an adjective to describe natural hair!
- Tell your girlfriend if she is self-sabotaging or messing up. If you see the ditch and she might not see it, let her know in LOVE. It’s up to her to listen.
- Don’t mess with another person’s spouse! Disorganized and dysfunctional secret relationships are a waste your time! If it’s secret, HE DONT WANT YOU! Trying to test the integrity of relationships and enabling men to not be accountable for their lack of respect only shows your desperation! And sis, it’s not cute!
- Don’t insinuate another person is mixed because you find them beautiful.
- When you are the only black girl in the room and you happen to see a sister, start a conversation or at least make sure to acknowledge her and say hello.
- No saying “You’re pretty for a dark skin girl.” I shouldn’t have to say this in 2020.
- Always MAKE SURE to uplift LITTLE BLACK GIRLS especially if you have them around you or in your family.
- Sometimes being shy or anxious can come off as having an attitude. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
- Superiority complex and confidence are two different things! If you think you better because you have long hair you have a complex. If you believe you are that chick whether your hair is long or short, you’re confident!
- Give genuine compliments to those who wear natural hair, AND don’t put anyone down for wearing weave.
- If you come with your friend leave with your friend.
- Let your man to be the man in the relationship.
- Support other black women. Listen to their music, pay for their awesome products, collaborate!
- Don’t settle for struggle love in the name of black love! = Don’t settle for unrequited love in the name of black love!!!!!
- Teach your daughters that having sex with a man or having his baby will not make him stay around!!!!
- You can only keep a man who wants to be kept! Periodt!
- Don’t embarrass another sister in public. Just don’t!
- Support other black girls on the job. Especially if you are few and far between.
- If another sister is being insulted in front of you, stand with her. There is power in numbers!
- Black-owned shops are just as good as Asian shops. Support black nailery and beauty shops!
- If you know a black woman who is going to the hospital or to a doctor’s appointment, offer to go with her if you can. Many black women are not leaving these places alive!!
- “Ride or die” is now dead.
- Don’t listen to or support ANY artist who is a suspect colorist, or who pander and put black women down! In all music genres!
- Love yourself before you try to love anyone else!
- POC does not equal black people. WOC does not equal black women! Black women have a particular struggle. And let’s be real…some POC don’t like black people! Make sure you stand for your sisters while you stand with everyone else!
- Long hair does not equal mixed. Don’t assume.
- Probably a good idea not to relax or put weave in a child’s hair. Let her learn to love herself first.
- Relaxed hair is not a sin. Just keep your hair, scalp and body healthy! Limit chemicals when you can!
- Build wealth. Support entrepreneurship! Start your own business if you want to!
- Encourage your children to be investors and buyers, not just consumers!
- No covering up toxicity! In any way shape or form!
- Self-care should be a priority. Make time for you! Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about that!!
- No shaming women who want to be stay-at-home moms. Being a stay-at-home mother is a job!
- Your body is a temple. Not everyone is allowed in the holy of holies!
- You are not less black if you have friends of other races.
- Never stop dreaming. Reach for the stars!
- No matter what, always try to keep your joy. Think of the good no matter how bad.
- Don’t tell a woman that she needs to wear makeup. It’s not for everybody.
- Heal! If you do not heal, the hurt will follow you wherever you go! Seek professional help, if needed.
- Don’t give trolls/haters your time and energy! Just don’t.
- Don’t give race-baited social media posts your time and energy, not from other races or from black men! Keep your crown up!
- Respect Albino black people they are black people who also face a lot of rejection. In case you didn’t know.
- Older black women should be teaching the younger black women, not competing with them!
- If your girl looks crazy find a way to tell her. Don’t let her go out like that.
- Don’t be bitter. You are not a victim, you are a survivor.
- Practice being grateful for the things you do have.
- Being vulnerable is not a curse. It’s a gift to those you love. Being feminine does not make you less than. It’s a gift to the world.
- Forgive yourself every day.
- Let go of the past.
- Do not let hair typing put you in a box. The hair that grows out of your head is a crown of glory and should be appreciated.