“I’m every woman, it’s all in me, yadah yadah yah…”
Ever wonder how some women seem to thrive in self-confidence and other women do not?
I used to.
I used to wonder, “Why am I struggling so much with this and she (some random woman) seems to go through life with no care at all?” The fight within me was not about trying to “be” another person, I was trying to figure out the “how”. How is this person so calm and thriving when she shouldn’t be?
For instance, public speaking. In college, professors seemed to get a kick out of embarrassing all their students by including a presentation project in the course syllabus. (What else could I expect, I was a business major.) In the class, I could tell which students were naturally gifted with public speaking and projecting their thoughts about the world. Even if a presumptuous student might sound less than intelligent when giving his/her opinion, s/he received “points” for just speaking up. Many of these same students, with hard work and a good team, thrived when presenting in front of the classroom. I also noticed how a select few of relatively quiet students did surprisingly well when presenting. You begin to wonder, “Why don’t they ever speak up in class?”
Nature VS Nurture
Are there people naturally gifted with confidence? It’s an age old “Nature VS Nurture” debate, which argues that either genetics or the environment is the main factor for success in life. With all the psychology profiles, tests and studies detailing how to raise a child correctly with high self-esteem, it’s hard to believe the “nature” or genetic makeup, is the primary reason for a person’s success. No matter your natural inclination or genome structure, DNA marker, blah blah blah… there is something to be said about “nurturing” your self-esteem and mental health for future success.
Nurturing is simply the factors that we can manipulate or change in order to get a desired outcome. Building confidence is a nurturing concept. Confidence in essence is having a firm trust in something. Self-confidence is having a firm trust and belief in yourself. This is not synonymous with arrogance or self-worship, but is a belief in your ability to do what you desire to do. As a believer, there were times that I could not muster up the self-confidence in myself to believe that I could accomplish a goal. In those times I choose to have God-confidence, this means having a sure faith and hope that God will get me through a situation successfully, even if it does not happen the way I expect.
David and Goliath
If you are a believer, you may have heard the story of David and Goliath. As the story goes little King David killed the giant Goliath ONLY AFTER first successfully killing the lion and the bear in 1 Samuel 17:34-35. The KJV scripture states:
“But David said to Saul, ‘Your servant has been keeping his father’s sheep, and there came a lion, and a bear, and took a lamb out of the flock: And I went out after him, and smote, and delivered it out of his mouth: and when he arose against me, I caught him by his beard, and smote him, and slew him.”
David had experience killing animals, of which Goliath seemed to be just another wild beast. It’s also worth noting that King David DECLARED exactly what he was going to do. After Goliath hurled CURSES at David, telling him that he will kill him, David REBUKED him and then stated that Goliath would die. He then trusted God and made a shot. He killed Goliath (1 Samuel 17:44-47).
What are you waiting for?
There are times when we trust in God and then there are times when God is waiting on us. As was the case with Moses in the story when he led the people out of Egypt. The Lord told Moses in Numbers NIV 14:15:
“Why are you crying out to me? Tell the people to get moving.”
It’s not always okay just to pray, sometimes you got to “do”, too! If you do not believe in yourself or have some type of confidence, your belief in God would not be adequate.
God requires something out of us in addition to His assistance to us. Sometimes this is only faith, other times it’s your faith working by your action — know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139)!
18 Ways to Nurture Yourself and Build Self-Confidence:
- Recognize your insecurities – We’ve all got them, the question is, what do we do with them? We deal with them. If you don’t deal with them, they will deal with you. Your insecurities will come out at the most inconvenient times and embarrass you. A first step you can take to deal with insecurities is to write them down, whatever is making you feel inferior or unworthy, then tear them up and start anew. This may be simple and unassuming, but it’s an effective first step to building your self-worth.
- Talk about it with close (dependable, reliable) friends and/or loved ones –I pray that you have good friends and a few good relatives that you can trust! If not, talk to God. And also ask Him to show you people you can build relationships with. Be vulnerable with the people God puts in your life. Each day you should “chip” away at your insecurities by dealing with them head on. You need to learn to accept yourself, your past and your circumstances as they are, without necessarily seeing of them as “bad”, but as learning and growing experiences.
- Bounce back from your mistakes – Remember no one is perfect. Even the most confident people have insecurities. Insecurities come and go. At some point in life we may feel we lack something. Life is full of ups and downs and those feelings are inconsistent. Instead of focusing on the pain or lack you feel in your life, focus on getting to the next level in your life.
- Identify your successes – Discover the things at which you excel in, then focus on your talents. Give yourself permission to take pride in them. Give yourself credit; express yourself (through art, writing, etcetera). Also, find something you enjoy doing. Having joy in something can help you continue in it and get better at it. Further, adding a variety of interests to your life will also help you gain compatible friends.
- Be thankful/grateful! – A lot of the times the root of insecurity and lack of confidence is a feeling of not having enough of something. Acknowledge and appreciate what you do have and realize there is someone wishing they had what you have. If you don’t like your car, remember there are people taking the bus. If you don’t like you curves, know that there is someone who wishes they had those curves (and are willing to pay for them!).
- Be positive, even if you don’t feel positive – Avoid self-pity and don’t allow others to make you feel inferior. Do not be afraid to project your strengths and qualities to others. By doing this you reinforce your confidence and encourage your growth in a positive direction.
- Accept compliments gracefully – Don’t shrug off compliments! Take it to heart and respond positively.
- Look in the mirror and smile – In today’s world, sometimes all we need a happy face to look at. Well look at yourself and smile! You may feel happier with yourself and more confidence in the long run.
- Fake it – Acting confident might actually make you believe it. Pretend you are a completely confident version of you; go through the motions and see how you feel. They just may stick and be a part of your newfound path in life.
- Stick to your principles – Integrity is a major part of confidence. Saying what you mean and meaning what you say — doing what you said and not breaking promises to others will not only bring up your confidence, but it will allow for people to have confidence in you. Sticking to your principles, at least for me, means to stick to God’s principles. His principles are much higher than my principles, so if I stick to the Lord’s principles, I’ll be sure to be on the right track.
- Help others – Be kind to everyone. I know this can be tough! Some of the most unfriendly people have had difficult times in life. Do not make it harder for them (to the best of your ability). Make a positive difference in the world. And if it comes down to it, just try to stay away from people who are determined to be negative.
- Avoid perfectionism – Perfectionism paralyzes you and keeps you from accomplishing your goals. Strive to the best outcome but realize there could be another outcome just as good! God can make the worst situations turn out for your good. (Romans 8:28)
- Work out – Exercise helps to push the anxiety out of your body so that you can be your best self mentally. When you are free from fear (anxiety is a type of fear) then you can do more, accomplish your goals and further build confidence. For more information on how anxiety affects black women, click here.
- Speak up – Don’t be ashamed to speak up. Just like in my example of the college student above, even when the student gets the answer wrong s/he gets “points” for being bold enough to speak up. Don’t be afraid to express yourself or to be wrong.
- Watch what you say! – The power of life and death are in the power of the tongue. (Proverbs 18:21) Speak good words over yourself. Rebuke the evil words spoken over you. Those evil words could be what is holding you back. Mediate on the scriptures that uplift your soul. For more information on meditation, read the article, The Power of Meditation: 4 Ways on How to Meditate Like a Cow.
- Stop fighting how you were made – You are different, and that is okay! No one has your fingerprint. No one can tell your story like you can. Building confidence is about building your true self, learning how to grow and be your best self, which ultimately is a reflection of Christ.
- Stop stressing over your weaknesses, focus on your strength – I cannot say this enough. What you focus on is what you make the biggest part of your life. Make your focus positive!
- Stop comparing! – This is possibly the most important one. When you compare you despair! It doesn’t matter what you are comparing, at a point in time, you will get to a place where you will think the grass is greener on the other side. If you were really on the other side, you would soon figure out the grass is patchy, lifeless and FAKE. Do the work on yourself, then you will have a reason to brag! (Galatians 6:4-6)
Some of these items may be interrelated, but it’s important to point all these things out so that you do not overlook them. (It’s the smallest nuances that could make the biggest difference!)
Building confidence is not a one and done type of thing; consistency in applying these suggestions are key.
So, reading this article is step one, now you do it! I believe in you. 😉