So, I want to talk about my experience with what I believe was a narcissist man. I’m sure you have heard about the term “narcissist” by this point. It’s all over the web, and men and women everywhere are frequently coming across more people with similar egotistical traits. (Narcissist men and women are running rampant!)
You may already know or heard of male dominated groups called M.G.T.O.W (men going their own way) and RED PILL who generate exclusive content for men who seem to have grown weary of women. These men may have grown tired of the relationship games that some women play, and they have taken measures to combat it – by taking their anger out on ALL women.
Were relationships always this bad?
It’s sad to see the state of relationships and dating today. Dating used to be so natural: you see boy, boy sees you, boy smiles, girl giggles, boy and girl talk and get to know each other….
Not anymore. Boys and girls grow up much faster. Boys are taught how to be players and girls are taught how to be played. Boys cannot express how they feel for a girl without being told he is a “simp,” and girls do not know what it is to blush anymore, to have a sense of innocence. Everything is oversexualized and purity is stripped away.
Growing up too fast
I’ll never forget the day my little niece, probably eight or nine at the time, looked at me while we were talking with my mother and said, “Aunty, you are what I would call slim-thick.” I’m like, “What?! How do you even know about that at your age?!” But even at eight years old she was super conscious about her body and wanted to maintain a super-slim frame.
What she said may not be a surprise to you, but it was to me. At eight years old, I was not thinking about my body! I was too busy playing on the playground with my brothers, cousins and friends.
Down memory lane…
So, now that I am “almost” officially dating, I took a trip down memory lane and thought about my past experiences in relationships, or the lack thereof (i.e., prolonged talking phases a.k.a. situationships). And one guy in particular pops into mind – I’ll call him “DJ”. Although, I cannot officially say that DJ was a narcissist, he sure had some comparable traits.
So, what is a narcissist?
Psychologist Stephen Johnson writes that a narcissist is someone who has “buried his true self-expression in response to early injuries and replaced it with a highly developed, compensatory false self.” This alternate persona often comes across as grandiose, “above others,” self-absorbed, and highly conceited.
If narcissist men or women are known for anything it is for gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of persistent manipulation and brainwashing that causes the victim to doubt her or himself, and to ultimately lose one’s own sense of perception, identity, and self-worth. I explain part of this when I discuss how DJ would say things in a way that were questionable but would blow me off when I asked for clarification on what he was really saying.
Some characteristics of a narcissist and how they relate to “DJ”:
- Frequently lies and exaggerates (Our whole “courtship” was a lie. He was never really in it for relationship, but for a game.)
- Rarely admits flaws and extremely sensitive when criticized (He basically said that he was perfect and humble all the time.)
- False image projection (He was not perfect and not a nice guy.)
- Emotional invalidation and coercion (He would say things to try to make me feel insecure.)
- Manipulation (He sent me a video of him counting a stack full of money because, I assume he thought I was a “gold digger”, and he would always tell me how good he was in bed and how good the experience would be to get me to sleep with him.)
So, about DJ…
I met DJ at a previous job I had in my hometown. I worked at the front desk, so I was very visible to everyone who visited. Interesting enough, I met DJ’s parents before meeting him. I saw his mom often and we would talk every time she would come to my workplace. (I later found out that he didn’t have the best relationship with his mother growing up, but they were in a better place at the time I met him.) After a few weeks of seeing DJ’s mother, I started seeing her and DJ come in together more. As it turned out, DJ’s mom told him about me and he was coming up there to check me out, but I did not know it at the time. He came in a few times by himself and that’s when I noticed him. I saw him checking me out, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t ‘help him with his assessment’ by bending over more then I should have while he was around to grab papers from my desk.
Off to a good start?
So, he gave me his number and we started talking. (Good start, right? I met his mom and dad, seemed like nice people. Mom liked me, he thought I was cute…this must be good…)
I let him lead the relationship to get an idea of where his mind was at. Our first date was at a local restaurant. He asked me, “What are you looking for in a man?” (red flag). We would more often meet at the park (red flag) in my hometown and talk for hours. He would call me everyday and text too. It was going good for the first couple of weeks. I even saw his mom one day and told her that she raised a nice son. Surprisingly enough, DJ called me that same day I talked to his mom and told me not to talk to her about our relationship (red flag). He said it pretty sternly, but I didn’t really know him, so I didn’t think too much of it.
He couldn’t “hit it”, and he was not happy
I could tell he was a little anxious about getting more intimate. So, after a night of talking at a local restaurant I told him I was waiting to have sex (big mistake on my part). He then asked me a barrage of questions, “Are you a real virgin?” “Are you a virgin, virgin? Or are you one of those born-again women who say they virgins and really are not?” I confirmed my V-card status and then he basically laughed me off and “dumped” me. (I use the term dumped loosely because we were only talking, not in a committed relationship.)
I was hurt that he would do that. We stopped communicating. (I didn’t realize at the time that he had narcissist traits, or I would have proceeded differently.)
Then, a week later he contacted me saying he could not stop thinking about me. I told him adamantly that I was no longer interested, but I think the Christian in me thought I should give him another chance (big mistake). So, I did.
Good guy, but bad guy
I genuinely liked the guy, but he was always on edge or seemed to be trying to figure me out all the time. And he had a streak of arrogance. (Narcissist men are known to be arrogant.)
One time he asked me out of the blue if we could hang out for the day, but I had plans and I could not. He got upset (red flag). He thought I should drop whatever it was I was doing to oblige him because he wanted to spend time with me.
I started noticing that he would bring up my age almost like he was using it to try to see if I was insecure about it. He would say things like, “I’m a humble guy.” “I’m a nice guy.” “I’m better than most.” He literally said one time, “You better hop on this train while you can!”
Pro-longed “talking phase,” a.k.a. Situationship
We “broke up” four times that I can remember, and we were not even in a committed relationship. He would never confirm what he wanted us to be, he just wanted to “see how things go” (red flag). He got upset when I told him I was going out with friends, he told me my perfume was too strong (which didn’t stop him at all from getting close!), when he touched my legs he said I needed to shave (which was crazy because I was clean and shaven every time I saw him), he told me I needed to gain 20 pounds and that I looked pregnant. But he would also say I’m a dime and that “I’m a real one” and that he could see himself marrying me after such and such a time….it was all over the place. But like my mother said, if a guy would treat you like this in the beginning, it’s all downhill from there.
“When a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” (Maya Angelou)
We only “dated” for about five months, but I realized that he was playing games (like narcissist men and women do) and trying to wear me down by constantly trying to leave and come back in my life. After his last temper tantrum, he said he would not talk to me anymore, and I happily agreed. I ended our stint by telling him I hope that he finds what he is looking for. He texted me back six months later I guess to “check in” but I just wished him well and left it at that.
By the time six months had past, God had already showed me who he was as a person (a narcissist!). DJ was playing games, but I was looking for something real. I actually thought that God wanted to use me to help him with his drinking and smoking habit and tell him about the Lord. (Yes, he would drink and smoke every time I saw him. Double red flag!)
But it wasn’t my job to be captain save ‘em. And it’s not yours either.
Narcissist and gas-lighters are common in our communities
I see this dynamic play out in many relationships in the community. So many women are settling for situationships because they were made to feel unworthy of marriage or were taught to see marriage as unattainable. But you ARE worthy of a true commitment. We as women need to be careful about who we let in our lives and see the red flags for what they are!
Here are 11 traits you may want to look out for when dating:
- Excessive drinking. DJ would have a bottle of something with him every time I would see him. I think drinking was a fallback to help relieve any anxiety he would have being with me.
- Smoking. He smoked blunts and weed. Not something I’m into. Not something good for a potential mate.
- Crossing boundaries. Even though I said I was waiting, he made it clear that he was not and tried to convince me every which way that I needed to experience how awesome he was in bed.
- He brings you down. He would make sly comments to humble me. From what I learned, this is a tactic men use to humble women who are confident. Pro-longed exposure to this type a man can cause depression and low self-esteem. See here for my article on depression in black women. Click here for my article Degradation of Black Women: Why We Love to Hate Ourselves.
- In and out your life. They will “train” you by leaving you when they don’t get their way. For insecure women, this works every time, as an insecure woman would gladly do anything to keep her man around, even if he is not good for her.
- Always says he is a “good guy”. There is no one good but God (Mark 10:18). If a man has to keep telling you he’s good or humble or make it seem like he is perfect, that’s a dead giveaway that he has a lot of problems he has not worked through.
- Uses money to control. When DJ sent me that video of him counting all that money, I think he thought I would change up and start acting right! But I literally told him to make sure he spends the money wisely and to have a good time while he was out that night.
- You don’t go on real dates. If you meet up in places like the park or in places where he is not likely to spend money, that means he does not see you in the best light. This has everything to do with him and not you. Men spend money on women they want. It’s really that simple. I think I went out to eat with this guy twice at a local eatery in the area the whole time we were seeing each other. He always just wanted to sit in his car while he smoked and we listened to music.
- Plans inconsistencies. This is a strange one, but I needed to put it down. I saw that men tell other men to “pull back” from talking to a girl to see what her response will be. (This only works if the guy was consistent.) If she erratic and mad, or think something horrible happened to you, then you got her in a good place. DJ did try this on me, and it worked! After talking to him every day I didn’t hear from him for a good part of the day, so I was sending text messages thinking something happened to him. But he was just testing me…games.
- Wishy-washy faith. I find that many men who play games do not have a core; they don’t have a center or a firm belief in anything. They’re all over the place internally and use manipulation to control their world externally. DJ was raised a Christian, but he wasn’t really a follower or Christ. He seemed to be into Egyptology and new age teachings and would send me questionable videos about how everything I learned was a lie. (These videos were from people who were in prison by the way.) I thought this was part of my ministry, you know, to help those less fortunate…. but no ma’am. Jesus said no.
- Unemotional. This is probably the most notable to me. Many of these guys that are master manipulators try to use that “strong silent type” persona to get a woman’s attention. DJ would not laugh. I found his tickle spot on his rib cage and was tickling him and he would try not to laugh so hard and then go back stern again. I could not just have a good laugh with him, he was too busy trying to figure me out and what his next tactic would be. I cannot even imagine him even having one good laugh….
Keep these traits in mind while dating.
All in all, don’t settle for a man that won’t stand tall for you!
Lean on God and trust him with your mate – He will give you the right man. Your true man may not look how you expect or drive the latest sports car, but he will be a man of character, wisdom, and have a warm spirit and a generous heart.
Try not let these master manipulators scare you out of dating. There are still good men out there!
So, get out there and be found, girl!
😊