For the first time in forever, I was embarrassed to say I am a black woman.
This post was prompted by a live video that went viral this past week in the black community. The man in the video, we will call him K SAM, is a self-proclaimed businessman who gives business advice to young men and women of all ages. He also considers himself to be an image consultant and a dating coach who gives advice and image “assessments” to those that tune into his show.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. (Maya Angelou)
Maybe you know who I am talking about.
On this one particular show that went viral, I watched as a black woman was publicly humiliated by this man (K SAM), who has questionable credentials and is in no position to “school” any woman on how to attract men with their “beauty”. From what many people have researched on this man, he does not have the background that he seems to advertise to the public. Yet, he called her out her name, said that her physical looks are “average at best” (which is saying she is below average), belittled her financial accomplishments, said that she is too old and has too much baggage to find a man making a decent living and told her (based off of her desires) she would die alone.
What he also said without saying is that because she is a black woman with a child, specifically of darker skin, that she would never qualify for the man she desires. Because let’s face it, men like him would not talk to any other race of woman like that.
These men are increasing in our communities
He chopped down her accomplishments and self-esteem to nothing.
But why did she let him do this? Why do mostly black women support this man who berates them and tells them half-truths? It’s because they have low self-esteem and self-worth.
It’s so interesting that a man such as this could have such a following, but he does. Hundreds of black women flock to this man to seek his validation. They believe that the “cold honest truth” laced with vitriol and degradation is “tough love”.
This “tough love” is all too common
But, we know all about this already, don’t we? We’ve seen this already. It seems if you want to go viral in the “mainstream” just belittle black women. There are men that have made careers talking down to black women, trying to make them feel worthless. This is nothing new. It is just exposing the climate we are in in the black community, and how little value is placed on the black woman.
It seems for some of these men, their pride and joy come from making black women feel as though they are worthless. These loud and often promoted attacks against black women are seen as ‘normal’ in the black community. Don’t think so?
The many faces of degradation
Do you remember or have ever come across Tommy Sotomayor? He has had several channels taken down on YouTube yet seems to sprout more channels every other day. I could not watch one of his videos in full, as he was speaking so horribly about black women. These men never turn the finger on themselves; he just consistently berates black women. He recently came out with a video called, “Today’s black woman is completely useless.”
Or perhaps you have heard of the former basketball player Gilbert Arenas who said, “dark skin black women are only beautiful with the lights off.” He referenced the beautiful Lupita Nyong’o saying that she was not beautiful because of her dark skin. He said this for no reason at all. His lack-luster apology a whole three years later was left with no applause and people wondering why this man crawled out of the dirt to speak on Lupita like that.
Or maybe you saw the many hurtful comments spewed on Serena Williams for her skin, face and body.
Or maybe you heard the hurtful comments toward Gabby “Precious” Sidibe about her skin tone and body.
And the worst…
Maybe you heard about the Georgio Casper rap battle that went viral in April of this year, and consisted of a man sexualizing young girls and saying that black girls are not as pretty and need to learn how to fight. In the rap battle, the rapper says his girlfriend and his child are both light-skinned and prettier than his opponent’s girlfriend and child. He equates their complexion with their right to have a better quality of life and implies that they should not be exploited, because they were light skin.
You can Google any of these topics for more context. The internet is an open book. I refuse to put links to any of that nonsense here. (However, if you research the battle rap mentioned above, please BRACE YOURSELF. It is very disturbing.) And there are many, many more that I can name…
How have black women responded?
Even when I don’t want to see it, it’s in my face. It seems everywhere we turn as black women, we are being disrespected.
So, when I see this young woman being degraded like she was by the so-called “image consultant”, it really angered me. But it angered me more that black women were saying that this is okay. His “assessment” like many of the “assessments” mentioned above were met with such reception by black women. And this just PROVES that we have a lot of work to do as women. Many of us do not respect ourselves and this is why we seek validation from men.
Not to mention, this is all happening within our community! We’re not even talking about white privilege or systematic racism at this point.
It pains me to see that these women offer themselves up for “assessment” by these so-called dating coaches. Many of these men are narcissists and likely have unhealed trauma that they have yet to deal with from their own lives and poor decisions.
To really sit there and have someone with no credibility or solid qualifications tell YOU how much you are not qualified is baffling to me. But we put up with it.
Have we gotten used to pain and humiliation?
These same misogynist men will tell these women that you need to be a “10” by their standards — have a great face, a great body and good hair, the works (in their opinion)! And yet these same men will complain when these same “10s” rake them over the coals in divorce court for everything SHE CAME FOR. It’s ridiculous.
Is marriage becoming obsolete?
The marriage and family dynamic has in part been affected by our mindsets of how we choose a mate. It is rumored that the so-called image consultant has already been divorced, twice. Although, divorce rates have dropped to its lowest in 2019, marriages have dropped as well. The statistics for marriage and divorce for the US are complicated as the states do not have a uniform method of collecting this information. In the most recent reports, juggernaut states like California are not even included. However, it is widely accepted that 40-50% of marriages in up in divorce. Please see here for more information on marriage and divorce statistics. Please also review this great write up from Fatherly.com.
What are we focused on?
I personally believe the general rise in divorce over the years correlates with the decline in morality and character in today’s society. As a Christ-follower, I believe marriage was instituted by God, and that two people who have God in the middle and working through their struggles can make a marriage last. But instead, what are we fed mentally, emotionally and spiritually? To seek our validation anywhere else but God. We seek approval in our careers, by the clothes we wear, by who we are associated with and by our relationships. When are we going to come to the point that we find our self-esteem, self-worth and validation in the one who created us?
How does this mindset affect our overall lives?
If you find yourself reading this article and believe you may have low self-esteem, think about these questions and really come up with honest answers:
How is your family affected by your low self-esteem? (specifically, your children)
How is your mental health affected by how you view yourself?
How is your community affected by your poor decision making?
How is your legacy thwarted by unrealized potential, goals and accomplishments?
A message to Black women
Black women, you do not have to live your life in anyone’s shadow. You do not have to dim your light to let another shine. You do not have to stay in relationships that leave you feeling depressed, used, abused and degraded.
Black women, you don’t have to put yourself dead last.
Black women, you are women too. You are a woman first. You deserve respect, you should walk with dignity and know that it is okay to have feelings and be vulnerable.
We have to change the narrative.
Please, stop letting those who do not love you abuse you. Stop accepting crumbs when you deserve the main course. You are not less than, you are more than good enough.
Please read my article Building Self-confidence When You Have Low Self-esteem: 18 Ways You Can Start Now.
This blog is for you.
Wow. Love this article. I found your blog on pinterest about a week ago and immediately subscribed. I recently stopped listening to a pastor on YouTube who degrades women but said it was of God. I later found out he has 3 wives (and all 3 of these wives are cool with it….smh). I finally realized I had to stop seeking validation in this man or any other man for that matter and focus solely on God and bettering my self-perception. You are 100% right. Black women, we are more than good enough. Always have been. Always will be. This article is on time for me.
Hey Krystal!
Thanks for your comment. I’m glad that you were able to find encouragement in this post. I get so down-hearted when I see women just throwing themselves at men’s feet. God tells us to honor the man that He sends to us, not to chase men. A lot of these men KNOW that they are manipulating women and want to use the women’s low self-esteem to get what they want. They can be religious (Israelites) or non-religious. We all must guard our hearts!
God Bless you!
Indeed! Thanks for your response. I’m sending your article to my sister as well. You said a whole entire truth about men manipulating the minds of women to get what they want, reglious (Israelite) or non-religious. We as women have to know the difference. Smh. It is so sad. Thank you so much for creating this blog. We as black women really need it.